Scrunchies? We don’t need no stinkin’ SCRUNCHIES!

So the other day (actually, about 8 minutes ago), I was in the middle of writing an important email for work when I got bored and went, “Hey, didn’t we used to have a blog…?”  Turns out, amidst my drunken narcotically induced fog, I was still able to remember the url to this website which I haven’t visited in about 20…days.  Thank goodness for password recovery, or I’d have to resort to stupid comments on Wojo’s posts in order to get my 2 cents in.  Hey, didn’t there used to be a button for the “cents” symbol?  I don’t see that anywhere on my keyboard.  And I’m not about to take the time to write out $0.02.  That would take too long.

So, my job is pretty good, but not as good as working for the FBI!  Just think, you could get paid a decent salary with great government benefits and spend your days plotting to blow up Washington D.C. area metro stations with THIS guy:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/27/AR2010102704857.html?hpid=topnews

Poor Farooque Ahmed, he pulled the classic, “work with federal agents to plan a terrorist attack” strategy.  I’m sorry but that NEVER works.  That’s sort of like getting your girlfriend to plan your bachelor party.  Doesn’t turn out well.  Trust me.

On a lighter note, I finally discovered the source of that awful smell.  Lets just say it was “with me all the time.”  ;)

I was going to put a poll about favorite pop-tarts flavors in here, but that would be a total waste of time.  Everyone knows peanut butter banana isn’t a pop-tart flavor.

Q: What’s the difference between a can of tomato soup and my love for the fairer sex?  A: Aluminum.  Oh, and on the soup cans you can usually UNDERSTAND the label!  Zing!

Hey, remember when making someone a mix tape used to be cool?  Yeah neither do I!

Hoffstar out!

BYOGC (FMTP)

Remember back when we used to say “no duh” every time somebody said something obvious? For example, if somebody asked “does David Hoffmann like frisbees (and dicks)?” the answer would obviously be “no duh.” Then remember when it turned into “no doy?” Yeah, let’s bring that back.

So here’s a thing I was pondering on (ponder on? ponder about? ponderosa pine?): caffeine and alcohol are diuretics, they make your body expel water. So a lot of coffee or beer makes you pee, no doy. But coffee and beer are also made up of mostly water. So, you drink water at the same time as you expel water, and I wonder, what is the ratio of fluid taken in to fluid peed out? You know, the beer/piss coefficient? I would have figured this out in college but I was too wasted.

I will be conducting a scientific experiment this weekend to find out, if anyone would like to join. We’re probably going to win the Nobel prize so take this seriously. I’ll provide the beer, but you have to bring your own graduated cylinder (for measuring the pee). I suggest 500 milliliters or more. There’s going to be piss everywhere. Dave, if you can’t come, I’ll assume it’s because you’re busy playing with frisbees (and dicks).

Thirsty

A friend invited me out this week for drinks because it was “Thirsty Tuesday”.

I’m pretty sure only alcoholics say that.

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Another one of my friends thinks he has to constantly prove to me that he’s not an alcoholic, just because I worked at a rehab center for a summer 4 years ago.  On a regular basis, he proudly texts me how long he has gone without drinking.  ”I haven’t had a drink in 5 days and 16 hours!”

I’m pretty sure only alcoholics say that, too.

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The last time I was at the airport, I had a few drinks during happy hour.  Have you ever noticed: they only serve depressants during happy hour?

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My parents still check in on me whenever I travel.  A few hours after I landed, Mom called and asked, “Did you have a safe flight?”

What a question.

“No, you didn’t hear?  I’m DEAD now.”

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She was so upset that you’d think she believed me.

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Women are just not good with irony.  Yet the true irony is, they are very good at ironing.