Live from New York it’s…

Sometime between my second helping of Thanksgiving gluttony and drilling approximately 280 5/16″ holes in a 32 gallon trash bin while the rest of my family was relaxing over tea and pie, my dad muttered, “You know son, someday they’re going to write a sitcom about your life…”

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “Here comes another egocentric blog post about how your life is so great and so funny that it would totally amuse the majority of the middle class demo throughout this grand old country of ours…”  Not so fast, Cowboy!  I may be very full of myself, but I know this:  my life is neither an homage to any human philosophical quandary, nor is it too much more interesting than the next 26 year old, employed city dweller’s.   In fact, my father did not finish his sentence, “…someday they’re going to write a sitcom about your life because its so hilariously outrageous and amusing!”  No, it went, “…someday they’re going to write a sitcom about your life because you’re freakin’ weird.”  Not exactly high praise from your direct genetic ancestor.  Takes one to know one, buddy…at least my favorite expression isn’t “Wheeeeee Doggies!!”

Anyhow, the point (and there is a point here, I just like to make myself abundantly, redundantly clear), is that my father’s statement had a profound effect on me.  I spent the night thinking to myself, “Hmmm…I don’t think anyone IS going to write a sitcom about me.  And that’s a problem.”  In light of this moderately startling revelation, I came up with a plan for how to remedy this situation.

Everyone thinks of themselves as interesting, unique, empowered.  The myth of the individual has plagued our country so completely in recent years that the term “Generation Me” has become a commonplace way to describe those of us between the ages of 7 and 36. (This is according to google; personally, I that identifying 29 years as only ONE generation is pretty damn lazy) How many times have you put together a “quote book” from a particular group or trip?  How many times have you convinced yourself that you’re particularly interesting, story worthy, and that you just HAD to share your personal thoughts and photos and favorite quotes and…well I digress.  Do you have a facebook page?  Well then, shut the fuck up.

I’m not saying I’m not guilty.  Shit, this blog post alone is enough to cement my status as a narcissistic, egomanical, self-obsessed asshole.  But its my blog, so I don’t really give a shit what you think.  Go start your own blog and I won’t read it either.

Here’s my point (FINALLY).  I’ve decided to basically break down my life and all subsequent actions from this point forward into three categories.

Category 1.  Shit that’s fuckin’ awesome:  This will be activities that are truly story worthy – the type of thing you would hear about and go, “hooooooly crap, I don’t believe that! Tell me more!”  This includes activities such as kidnapping all of  Michael Jackson’s remaining offspring, trying out for the New York Knicks, or piloting a cruise ship full of tranny prostitutes.

Category 2. Shit that saves the world:  I’m not completely self-centered.  Or maybe I am and this is an attempt to pacify all you “haters” out there.  Either way, I feel like doing shit that helps save the world (like, I dunno, recycling, or donating food to the homeless or building renewable energy sources) will at least have a net positive impact, probably make me feel good about myself, and most likely help me get laid.  Hippy chicks are totally into that kind of stuff.

Category 3.  Sleep:  I’m not sure I have to elaborate here.  I like sleeping.  It means I’m dreaming, which is fucking awesome.  End of story.

Basically, every part of my life, from now on, will fit into one of these three categories.  Next time I’m about to do something, I’ll just ask myself. “Is this activity interesting enough to be the subject of a sitcom?  Am I doing anything to save the world?  Am I asleep?”  If the answer is no, then I’m clearly doing something wrong.  Skeptical?  Yeah, well, responding to your doubts doesn’t really apply to any of my categories, does it?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Hoffstar out.