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I recently heard the phrase “third-life crisis.”  It’s used to describe a new kind of dilemma people experience between their “quarter-life crisis” and their “mid-life crisis.”

Are you serious??  It’s time to stop hiding behind fractions.  Your LIFE is the fucking crisis.

On a related note, being single is funny.

Ever notice that the expiration date on your condoms has passed?

I had a feeling I was being a little overly optimistic when I bought a “year’s worth” of condoms all at once.

It was a 3-pack.

Five years ago.

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Ever see a couple displaying way too much PDA?  It’s so uncomfortable – why is it OK for couples to express their feelings in public, but not for me as a single guy to do the equivalent?  I mean, you don’t see me masturbating in public.

(Or do you?)

Sometimes when I see a couple making out in public as if nobody is looking, there’s this weird and arrogant power dynamic going on, where I think they’re basically daring us (as a civilized society) to interrupt their sweet, beautiful love (dry humping).  But I also think that when that happens, you’re completely justified to watch.

And even to stare.

And… masturbate.

Because, WHO’S UNCOMFORTABLE NOW, BITCHES?

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So the dating thing has been interesting lately.  I went out with a girl who said, “I’m 5’4”, but I’m 5’6” in 2 inch heels.”

Listen ladies.  I know how to add 2 inches to measurements of things.  I’M A GUY.

Let’s just say I couldn’t earn a nickname like “The 3 Inch Python” if we all didn’t know how to add 2 inches to reality.

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I’m not good at dating, I’ve decided.

A different girl, a cute 23 year old elementary school teacher, said to me, “If I can make a difference in just ONE child’s life, I can be happy.”

I said, “If you make a difference in just one child’s life, you should be fired.”

I said that.  We can’t just have a generation of retarded 7-year olds inheriting the earth, can we?

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I used to worry about pocket-dialing friends, non-friends, and ex-friends whose names were still in my phone.  Well, recently I “pocket-liked” someone.  Welcome to the fucking future.

Because with iPhones, touch screens, and facebook, I’m now capable of achieving social awkwardness at literally any time, anywhere.  At 4G speeds.

Apparently, I unknowingly “liked” every single thing on a friend’s news feed.

Oh, you’re Attending a St Patrick’s Day Party?  I like this.

Is that a new profile picture?  I like this.

You’re now friends with some guy I never heard of?  I like this.

Your little sister commented that she misses you?  I like this.

I’m a fucking creep.

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It seems like every single page on the Internet has a “Like” button or a “Share” button on it now.  Is this scaring anyone else?

The other day I was browsing some adult entertainment web sites — hey, we all do it — and I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just haphazardly click around and see where the adventure takes me.

That’s when I noticed: a “Share this on Facebook” button.  WHAT?  I never accidentally clicked that, did I?

Because I love you guys, but there are some things I do NOT want to share with you.

Can you imagine – it would be the first thing ever to show up on my profile without a “thumbs up” from my mother.

That is, assuming that Susan doesn’t actually like “Japanese schoolgirl live hidden bathroom scat cam glory hole fuck fests”.

Who knows?