The games we play (usually involve beastiality)

You know one thing I always loved about 520? Besides our penis sizes? 520 was always GREAT at making up awkward games to play with strangers. I like to think our skills have only improved with time.

Have I mentioned the Madagascar game? Wojo and I like to play this one at parties. You start a conversation with a stranger, and see how many times you can naturally drop the word “Madagascar” in the conversation before they start catching on. My record is four. Wojo is probably up to about 43 now. To be fair, it really helps to sell it if you’re wearing this:

Hellooo ladieesss...

Quotes of the weekend

My wife just had a baby, so I’ve been fucking this fleshlight thing lately – Joe Rogan

Watching my wife give birth looked like cutting a hole in a squirrel and tearing it open – Joe Rogan

9 am in Vegas and we’re still out, dragging ourselves through breakfast, and some asshole says, hey, lets go to the Rhino. And I’m like shit, that’s my voice – Joe Rogan

Guys have been trying to fuck you your whole life. If you didn’t have a vagina you’d starve to death – Joe Rogan, to hot chick in front row who interrupted

You know how you see someone you’ve met before and can’t remember their name? That’s happening right now. – Conman, to girl at bar

Mention my name, you’ll get a good seat – Wojo, to girl on her way to the bathroom

This is the gayest deck of cards ever. Except for that time we played with penis cards. – Conman, while playing war with “Disney Villain” cards.

Are you a Scorpio? You know what they say about Scorpios… – Wojo, to every girl he meets

You know Hanes underwear? They modeled that after him. Almost every guy in here is wearing underwear modeled after this guy’s ass – Wojo, helping to convince a drunk girl that Conman is indeed an ass model

I’m a penis model – Wojo, taking it too far.

Irvine, a place for fucking excitement and shit – Joey Diaz (Joe Rogan’s opener)

The Office

I have Wojo to thank for introducing me to The Office, which has been one of the most significant television shows in my life. I didn’t start watching it until the 3^rd season because I don’t really get into sitcoms but Wojo put the first two seasons on my computer and I watched them while being laid up after having my wisdom teeth out. I, like many, became enthralled by Jim and Pam’s relationship and made incredibly uncomfortable by Michael Scott’s ineptitude. I was emotionally invested in that show for a while and take credit for getting a number of my friends and family into the show.

Earlier this season, after Jim and Pam’s anticlimactic wedding, I decided to give up the show. I’m surprised I gave it as long as I did. Starting with the 5^th season, it was all about the gag and there wasn’t any substance or storylines really worth pursuing. The boy got the girl and they canned the Michael/Holly storyline waaay too soon.

The reason I bring this up: are any of you guys still following the show? Wojo, what do you think about where they’ve gone? What are you into now?

Jim and Pam had an hour-long baby episode last week. I have not and will not watch it but I want to know what you guys think.

I know this is a pretty weak topic for a post but I had to post SOMETHING. I apologize for it not being related to herpes in some manner. I feel like all of the posts have some sort of STD reference. I also have recently thought about how much you guys watched That 70′s Show during sophomore year. Wow.

The Office has since been supplanted by 3 shows, in this order:

1. The Wire
2. Arrested Development
3. 30 Rock

Discuss.

The Awkward Game

Awkward lines are something of a 520 specialty. In that spirit, Wojo and I invented a new game when we were out last weekend. We both gave each other awkward things to say when approaching a group of girls, then dared each other to do them. If one person does their line, the other person has to do theirs too. It went really well!

Hoffstar does the West Coast (featuring: Wojo and Conman)

Wednesday, 1/27:

9:47 PM. Conman picks Hoffstar up at LAX.  They put on the Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song, roll down the windows, and annoy the shit out of everyone still waiting to get picked up.

10:34 PM.  Hit the bars in Conman’s neighborhood, Hermosa Beach, get like 20 phone numbers and half a bj.

Thursday, 1/28:

11:51 AM.  C and H frolic on the beach with no shirts on.  H almost nails a seagull with a frisbee and C remembers that one time he hit a goose, back when 520 was still getting to know him and his crazy antics.

1:26 PM.  Leave Hermosa Beach for Las Vegas.  Hit the combination PH/TB on the way.  Record hilarious video of Hoffstar poking his head out of the sunroof like a prairie dog and eating a burrito while dancing to the song.  (YouTube, ETA 2 weeks.)

3:38 PM.  Hoffstar gets a boner.  We must have passed a Chuck E. Cheese.

5:20 PM. HIGH FIVE!

Do you guys ever…

Oh, hi.  Conman here.

Do you guys ever talk to yourself in your head?  I do.  Sometimes I space out and have detailed conversations with myself, and without even realizing it my lips start moving.  Sometimes I even start talking softly, and I get this grin on my face, and I end up staring straight ahead at this lady in front of me, and I get asked to leave Denny’s.  That grand slam sucks anyways.

Do you guys ever pay for items with Sacajawea dollars?  I don’t.  Sometimes I get them from change machines, and I get pissed because they don’t look like the dollars I’m used to, they look more like Chuck E Cheese tokens.  What I’m saying here is, I don’t think Sacajaweas count as real money.

If you followed me on Twitter you would already know that.

Do you guys ever wonder what retarded people would be like if they got drunk?  I do.  I think they would start to act more and more normal as they drank.  Just like normal people start to act more and more… social.

Do you guys ever wind up in awkward situations?  I don’t.  At least, not anymore.  Around the time I got thrown out of Denny’s for mouthing “elephant juice” to the older woman across from me, I decided that it’s only awkward if you make it awkward.  And I’m going to have to blame her for that one, because I definitely was not the one making it awkward.  I was just trying to tell her about my favorite type of juice.

Do you guys ever find yourself driving aimlessly, with no idea of where you’re going?  I do.  In California sometimes all there is to do is drive.  Know where I ended up recently, without even thinking about it?  The Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell!  It’s way better than Denny’s.

If you were up on recent internet sensations you would find that last story hilarious.

Do you guys ever wonder what it would be like if Mitch Hedburg was still alive, and somebody totally jacked his style and put random awkward jokes up on their blog, and they weren’t even half as good?

I don’t.