Magical Sandwich Time

I recently got a prescription for a special type of medicine that’s only legal in California and Colorado. The following is a transcript from the first time I medicated, and wrote down my experiences, for medical research purposes.

All I could hear was this evil voice in my head, coming up from some deep place in my subconscious where inception had occurred, saying to me “come to the kitchen, its magical sandwich time…” I had the best ham and turkey roast beef cheese of the new millennium, times fifty. The fridge will look like Mexicali tomorrow.

I was watching Step Up 2 The Streets, and I thought I had it all figured out. I thought the title was like step up to the streets, like the streets need to be stepped up to. But no. In the movie, “The Streets” is actually the name of the ultimate final dance battle, which takes place guess where? On a sidewalk.

Jk lol it takes place in the streets. It was a great twist ending. I actually really liked this movie. I started out watching it ironically, like oh this will be so bad its good, but by the end I was tearing up when the guy and the girl had their kiss moment and totally cheering when the underdog white kid dance team did their routine in the streets in the pouring rain, and totally killed it. Also, the girls in it are really f’ing hot, and like I said, they do a dance routine in the pouring rain. It was really um emotional and stuff.

At this point I have decided that I’m going to be a professional dancer. I should probably quit my job tomorrow and enroll in some classes, and maybe start going to Hollywood on the weekends to see if there’s any good battles going on that maybe I could get in on, test my skills a little. It probably won’t be fair to everyone else though, because let’s be honest, without even trying I have moves that could rival Timberlake and Ne-yo at the same time. R Kelly could piss on that shit. By the end of the monf, I’ll probably be dancing on or around the same level as Ursher.

Idea! Step Up 3: East Coast Beast Coast. Starring: me and J-Woww. Seriously not kidding, I’m a huge J-Woww fan. I know I’m in the minority here but I would choose her over Sammi, real talk. I’m also in the minority because I’m black. On the inside. The inside of my soul. Uh oh the evil voice is back. Ursher baby!

Now I know why they were playing Step Up 2 on TV. I just saw a commercial for a new movie, Step Up 3D. Starring: Sharni Vinson and Adam Sevani. Oh well, I can still make it into the sequel. Step Up 4-nication on the Dance Floor, in 4G. I gotta start working out.

Quotes of the weekend

My wife just had a baby, so I’ve been fucking this fleshlight thing lately – Joe Rogan

Watching my wife give birth looked like cutting a hole in a squirrel and tearing it open – Joe Rogan

9 am in Vegas and we’re still out, dragging ourselves through breakfast, and some asshole says, hey, lets go to the Rhino. And I’m like shit, that’s my voice – Joe Rogan

Guys have been trying to fuck you your whole life. If you didn’t have a vagina you’d starve to death – Joe Rogan, to hot chick in front row who interrupted

You know how you see someone you’ve met before and can’t remember their name? That’s happening right now. – Conman, to girl at bar

Mention my name, you’ll get a good seat – Wojo, to girl on her way to the bathroom

This is the gayest deck of cards ever. Except for that time we played with penis cards. – Conman, while playing war with “Disney Villain” cards.

Are you a Scorpio? You know what they say about Scorpios… – Wojo, to every girl he meets

You know Hanes underwear? They modeled that after him. Almost every guy in here is wearing underwear modeled after this guy’s ass – Wojo, helping to convince a drunk girl that Conman is indeed an ass model

I’m a penis model – Wojo, taking it too far.

Irvine, a place for fucking excitement and shit – Joey Diaz (Joe Rogan’s opener)

The Awkward Game

Awkward lines are something of a 520 specialty. In that spirit, Wojo and I invented a new game when we were out last weekend. We both gave each other awkward things to say when approaching a group of girls, then dared each other to do them. If one person does their line, the other person has to do theirs too. It went really well!

Hoffstar does the West Coast (featuring: Wojo and Conman)

Wednesday, 1/27:

9:47 PM. Conman picks Hoffstar up at LAX.  They put on the Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song, roll down the windows, and annoy the shit out of everyone still waiting to get picked up.

10:34 PM.  Hit the bars in Conman’s neighborhood, Hermosa Beach, get like 20 phone numbers and half a bj.

Thursday, 1/28:

11:51 AM.  C and H frolic on the beach with no shirts on.  H almost nails a seagull with a frisbee and C remembers that one time he hit a goose, back when 520 was still getting to know him and his crazy antics.

1:26 PM.  Leave Hermosa Beach for Las Vegas.  Hit the combination PH/TB on the way.  Record hilarious video of Hoffstar poking his head out of the sunroof like a prairie dog and eating a burrito while dancing to the song.  (YouTube, ETA 2 weeks.)

3:38 PM.  Hoffstar gets a boner.  We must have passed a Chuck E. Cheese.

5:20 PM. HIGH FIVE!

What Happens in Vegas (mostly), Stays in Vegas…

Warning:  The following entry may not be suitable for anything but creating children.

A transcription of our weekend in Vegas.

Night One:  Arrive at Circus Circus, family casino.  Conman and Hoffstar immediately have massive raging erections.  Conman from posters of hot Las Vegas strippers.  Hoffstar from children.  And Clowns.

Get decked to the max, with some sweet ass suits and ties, and go over to SPSP 2010 Social Psychology poster session #1 (It was a conference for people with really good vision).  Can’t get in without conference badges.  Except we’re baller, so we do anyway (through the side door, those convention halls have notoriously shitty security).  Wojo spends time examining posters and engaging in articulate discussions with presenters.  Conor spends time seeking out hottest female presenters and hitting on them.  Hoffstar spends time wondering why there weren’t more posters about vegetables.  And telling Wojo to ask social psychology questions in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

Come back to the hotel, invite all of Wojo’s classmates over to the room.  Chastise the non-drinkers.  Play Kings (Jersey rules) with everyone else.  Spill pretzels.  Walk to Blush nightclub at the Wynn Casino.

Blush line is ridiculous.  We don’t give a shit about any of that, so they let us in anyhow.  Clearly, we know how to party.  Drinks are expensive – $7 beers, $17 vodka red bulls.  Chicks are ok, but kinda stuck up.  Doesn’t stop 520 from getting all the women in the room ridiculously wet.  And hooking up with them under the stars on the outdoor patio.

Colly Fone Ya

520 what up!

I’ll add more substantive posts in the future, but for now I just want to share this photo that I took of the Conman on Friday:

!WOJO