Coincidence or destiny? You be the judge.

So I was watching The Mighty Ducks last weekend and I noticed something crazy.  At exactly 5:20 left in the first period of the championship game, the Hawks go up 2-0 on the Ducks.  Evil music plays, and certain questions immediately come to mind.  Can the Ducks ever come back from such a deficit?  What if  it comes down to a penalty shot? Will Charlie be able to do the triple deke?  If I quack at my boss, can I get sent home early?   All these questions, and 520 at the heart of it all.  Think about it.

So, what other significance is attached to the number 520? Well, according to numberquotes.com, quite a bit.  Take a gander:

520 credit cards stacked on top of each other would be as high as 1.65 hair spray cans.  But nobody measures things in increments of spray cans.  Let’s use a more realistic unit of measure, like animals.

520 male giraffes stacked on top of each other would be as high as 6.79 Empire State Buildings.  MALE giraffes.  I wonder how they stack on top of each other so tightly?

521: The population of McIntosh, Florida in 2008.  Typical McIntosh, always trying to 1-up 520.

Speaking of Mcintosh, 520 dollars would buy a MacBook for everyone living in Hoot Owl town, Oklahoma (population 1).  But Hoot Owl town has no internet, so that one person will be shit out of luck.  We should buy things that are more useful, like Mexican food.

520 dollars would buy a taco for everyone living in Como, Texas (population 655).  Como/Homo/Tony Romo jokes aside, that’s a cheap taco: 79 cents!  Sounds like the standard taco price is being set by half of our favorite restaurant: Taco Bell! But what if we were in a town that was a little more classy, like Cokeburg, Pennsylvania?

520 dollars would buy a 7 eleven hot dog for everyone living in Cokeburg (population 660).  Where the hell is Cokeburg anyways?  As you can see from this map, it’s just south of Shittsburgh.   But wait, what if I’m all strung out in Cokeburg, and I rob a 7 Eleven, and steal all their hot dogs?  What could I buy?

Well, 520 7 Eleven Hot Dogs would buy 5.73 iPhones.  Silly rabbit, people don’t use Iphones in Cokeburg!  Especially not fractions of IPhones.  They spend all their money on coke.  Actually, funny story about Cokeburg, they only drink Pepsi there.  With cocaine in it. When they’re done, they just throw the cans all over the place.

Don’t tell Oscar.

My love is like a space ship…

I finally saw Avatar last night.  It was good, sure.  But it was obvious that there was an ideological subtext.  And in all honesty, it was just too preachy.  I mean, WE GET IT!  The Hollywood Left wants us to believe in a vast and outrageous world-wide conspiracy, and they try to push it into all aspects of our lives: the news media, entertainment, and art.  And people don’t even notice.  WAKE UP PEOPLE!  I’m talking about a conspiracy of unproven, ideological bullshit.  I’m talking, of course, about… LOVE.

Yeah, that’s right.  Does EVERY. FUCKING. MOVIE. really need a love story?  I mean, that ruined Journey to the Center of the Earth for me.

Seriously.  It did.

But that’s not really what this post is about.  Although… it is about love.

From a scientific standpoint, I just don’t buy into the idea that Jake Sully fell in love.  I’m going to put on my psychologist hat for a moment.  There’s a famous and very well-established phenomenon called the misattribution of physiological arousal.  Studies show, for example, that if you cross a dangerous bridge, you find someone on the other side to be more attractive than if you cross a sturdy bridge.  That is, when we’re scared, excited, or both, we misattribute the cause of that physical sense of excitement to another person when given the chance to do so.

It’s kind of like how all the sluts on the Bachelor think they “fall in love” after they go on dates involving bungee jumping and helicopter rides, even if the prized “bachelor” is actually just a womanizing alcoholic of an airline pilot (yeah, I’m looking at you, Pavelka!).

So my point is: Jake Sully rides a 6-legged horse and flies off a floating mountain on a pterodactyl, has unprotected alien sex, and then thinks he’s in love.  Well guess what, Hollywood?  You’re not fooling me.

I guess I’m trying to say that the lead in Avatar might as well be a slut on the Bachelor.  Because that inter-planetary, inter-species relationship won’t last.

I also have beef with the scene where he fucks that hot piece of Na’vi ass in front of the tree of the dead.  First of all, they just dialed in to that magical tree with their hair-neurons and heard the voices of their dead grandparents along with laughing children.  Next order of business for our true-love couple?  ”Let’s fuck.  Right… HERE.”

So unless Pandora is actually somewhere in Kentucky, that made no sense.

And finally, Jake Sully was WAY too competent getting laid.  He was still learning how to run and jump and swim and play (and row and go on trips?) with that new avatar/body.  And yet, all of a sudden, he knows how to… how shall I say… operate the equipment?  It was less than 90 days — practically a brand new penis!  I don’t know about you, but it took me about… 13 YEARS before I even knew what my equipment was FOR.

… and several more years to actually put it to good use.

… in front of my dead relatives and children.

Wait.  What?