things i learnt this weekend at uconn

don’t be sexist.  it makes broads with inferior brains not want to get beers for you, and stuff.

a hotel bathtub fits approximately 20 gallons of ice water and 150 cans of icehouse.  if you want, you can squeeze in a bottle or two of captain morgans.

aforementioned bathtub is not an ideal place to sit if you don’t want to do the “scared turtle.”

if you tell a girl the “2 inches from the floor” joke, she might say “prove it.”

the proof is in the pudding

uppercase letters are overrated, but that’s just the dark nature of capitalism

a “bazooka” is when you number 2 and number 3 at the same time.  like, uh oh, i just bazooka’d.  i learnt that from a good friend.

a “time bomb” is when you go 3, 2, 1.  i learnt that at foxwoods casino, at 7 am.

number 3 is puke.

if a person says, “go look in the sink,” don’t.

the mashapequot tribe needed my $97 donation as reparations for destroying their culture.

it’s not what you put in, it’s what you leave out.  like craps tables, and uteruses.

uteri?

Conman stands up for the little guy (and the slutty/Italian/hillbilly guy)

Do you guys ever hear a joke that makes fun of a particular group of people and think, that’s not even funny because it’s way too easy? I do. And I’m tired of comedians, and talk show hosts, and annoying dudes trying to be funny at parties, that get away with making fun of the same old stuff. First of all, it takes no talent to recycle jokes. But also, I don’t like that offensive comedians can take the easy route and make money at the expense of millions of people. Lookin at you Sarah Silverman. I think some groups of people have been ridiculed so much, they’re due a little reprieve. So, I hereby declare that I will stand up for the following groups, whenever they are made fun of.

The Awkward Game

Awkward lines are something of a 520 specialty. In that spirit, Wojo and I invented a new game when we were out last weekend. We both gave each other awkward things to say when approaching a group of girls, then dared each other to do them. If one person does their line, the other person has to do theirs too. It went really well!

Hoffstar does the West Coast (featuring: Wojo and Conman)

Wednesday, 1/27:

9:47 PM. Conman picks Hoffstar up at LAX.  They put on the Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song, roll down the windows, and annoy the shit out of everyone still waiting to get picked up.

10:34 PM.  Hit the bars in Conman’s neighborhood, Hermosa Beach, get like 20 phone numbers and half a bj.

Thursday, 1/28:

11:51 AM.  C and H frolic on the beach with no shirts on.  H almost nails a seagull with a frisbee and C remembers that one time he hit a goose, back when 520 was still getting to know him and his crazy antics.

1:26 PM.  Leave Hermosa Beach for Las Vegas.  Hit the combination PH/TB on the way.  Record hilarious video of Hoffstar poking his head out of the sunroof like a prairie dog and eating a burrito while dancing to the song.  (YouTube, ETA 2 weeks.)

3:38 PM.  Hoffstar gets a boner.  We must have passed a Chuck E. Cheese.

5:20 PM. HIGH FIVE!

What Happens in Vegas (mostly), Stays in Vegas…

Warning:  The following entry may not be suitable for anything but creating children.

A transcription of our weekend in Vegas.

Night One:  Arrive at Circus Circus, family casino.  Conman and Hoffstar immediately have massive raging erections.  Conman from posters of hot Las Vegas strippers.  Hoffstar from children.  And Clowns.

Get decked to the max, with some sweet ass suits and ties, and go over to SPSP 2010 Social Psychology poster session #1 (It was a conference for people with really good vision).  Can’t get in without conference badges.  Except we’re baller, so we do anyway (through the side door, those convention halls have notoriously shitty security).  Wojo spends time examining posters and engaging in articulate discussions with presenters.  Conor spends time seeking out hottest female presenters and hitting on them.  Hoffstar spends time wondering why there weren’t more posters about vegetables.  And telling Wojo to ask social psychology questions in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

Come back to the hotel, invite all of Wojo’s classmates over to the room.  Chastise the non-drinkers.  Play Kings (Jersey rules) with everyone else.  Spill pretzels.  Walk to Blush nightclub at the Wynn Casino.

Blush line is ridiculous.  We don’t give a shit about any of that, so they let us in anyhow.  Clearly, we know how to party.  Drinks are expensive – $7 beers, $17 vodka red bulls.  Chicks are ok, but kinda stuck up.  Doesn’t stop 520 from getting all the women in the room ridiculously wet.  And hooking up with them under the stars on the outdoor patio.

Free Post

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, “Freedom isn’t Free.”  Which, naturally, got me thinking about free stuff.  In honor of “freedom,” I decided to make a list of stuff that IS free.  I’m not sure it’s all going to fit on a bumper sticker, unless someone’s got an extra 18-wheeler laying around (for free?)

Stuff that is free:
Wireless Internet
Library Books
Self-prostate exams
My stereo (thank you Al Roker)
Webinars
Condoms
Venereal Diseases (particularly if you skipped the last item on the list)
30-day software demos
A false sense of security
Blogs
Full-body cavity searches
The road signs in our old apartment
Your first dose of heroin
Veggie Drop
My roommate’s food stamps
Children
Public humiliation
T-Shirts

And now for some stuff that ISN’T free:

Lunch
Hookers
Special Sauce
Diamonds
Aaaaaaand FREEDOM.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Hoff, dude, not all of that stuff is FREE!  I spent THREE hours watching Saved by the Bell reruns on TV Land last night for MY false sense of security!” Well my friend, did you actually PAY anything for those three hours? I mean BESIDES the cable bill?  (Cable = not free since those bastards over at Cablevision saw that episode of Seinfeld back in 1991).  No.  You didn’t.  So shut up.

For those of you who have accidentally stumbled upon this site:  I’m truly sorry.  You have been warned.  A quick explanation here for those still reading:  520 Nation is the re-creation of an older, far more offensive and childish blog originated by yours truly, along with a few roommates back in 2004.  Eleven free e-props to anyone who can FIND that old blog (it’s still out there) and post the URL to it on Wojo’s facebook wall.  He’s rather worried that some of his current colleagues might find out about his past transgressions. (public humiliation = free!).  Oh, also, e-props = free, and 11 is Wojo’s favorite number!  I’m droppin’ hints left and right here!  Anyhow, the true identity of the 520 Nation contributors will remain hidden to the outside world, and we shall be known henceforth only as, “Hoff/The Hoffstar, B$/The Crooner/The Nagger, Wojo/The Governator and Conman/The Wife Beater.”  I’ll be posting a photo of the four of us, however, so that all the ladies out there can admire our masculine physiques.

Hoffstar out!