Quotes of the weekend

My wife just had a baby, so I’ve been fucking this fleshlight thing lately – Joe Rogan

Watching my wife give birth looked like cutting a hole in a squirrel and tearing it open – Joe Rogan

9 am in Vegas and we’re still out, dragging ourselves through breakfast, and some asshole says, hey, lets go to the Rhino. And I’m like shit, that’s my voice – Joe Rogan

Guys have been trying to fuck you your whole life. If you didn’t have a vagina you’d starve to death – Joe Rogan, to hot chick in front row who interrupted

You know how you see someone you’ve met before and can’t remember their name? That’s happening right now. – Conman, to girl at bar

Mention my name, you’ll get a good seat – Wojo, to girl on her way to the bathroom

This is the gayest deck of cards ever. Except for that time we played with penis cards. – Conman, while playing war with “Disney Villain” cards.

Are you a Scorpio? You know what they say about Scorpios… – Wojo, to every girl he meets

You know Hanes underwear? They modeled that after him. Almost every guy in here is wearing underwear modeled after this guy’s ass – Wojo, helping to convince a drunk girl that Conman is indeed an ass model

I’m a penis model – Wojo, taking it too far.

Irvine, a place for fucking excitement and shit – Joey Diaz (Joe Rogan’s opener)

Conman stands up for the little guy (and the slutty/Italian/hillbilly guy)

Do you guys ever hear a joke that makes fun of a particular group of people and think, that’s not even funny because it’s way too easy? I do. And I’m tired of comedians, and talk show hosts, and annoying dudes trying to be funny at parties, that get away with making fun of the same old stuff. First of all, it takes no talent to recycle jokes. But also, I don’t like that offensive comedians can take the easy route and make money at the expense of millions of people. Lookin at you Sarah Silverman. I think some groups of people have been ridiculed so much, they’re due a little reprieve. So, I hereby declare that I will stand up for the following groups, whenever they are made fun of.

Hoffstar does the West Coast (featuring: Wojo and Conman)

Wednesday, 1/27:

9:47 PM. Conman picks Hoffstar up at LAX.  They put on the Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song, roll down the windows, and annoy the shit out of everyone still waiting to get picked up.

10:34 PM.  Hit the bars in Conman’s neighborhood, Hermosa Beach, get like 20 phone numbers and half a bj.

Thursday, 1/28:

11:51 AM.  C and H frolic on the beach with no shirts on.  H almost nails a seagull with a frisbee and C remembers that one time he hit a goose, back when 520 was still getting to know him and his crazy antics.

1:26 PM.  Leave Hermosa Beach for Las Vegas.  Hit the combination PH/TB on the way.  Record hilarious video of Hoffstar poking his head out of the sunroof like a prairie dog and eating a burrito while dancing to the song.  (YouTube, ETA 2 weeks.)

3:38 PM.  Hoffstar gets a boner.  We must have passed a Chuck E. Cheese.

5:20 PM. HIGH FIVE!

What Happens in Vegas (mostly), Stays in Vegas…

Warning:  The following entry may not be suitable for anything but creating children.

A transcription of our weekend in Vegas.

Night One:  Arrive at Circus Circus, family casino.  Conman and Hoffstar immediately have massive raging erections.  Conman from posters of hot Las Vegas strippers.  Hoffstar from children.  And Clowns.

Get decked to the max, with some sweet ass suits and ties, and go over to SPSP 2010 Social Psychology poster session #1 (It was a conference for people with really good vision).  Can’t get in without conference badges.  Except we’re baller, so we do anyway (through the side door, those convention halls have notoriously shitty security).  Wojo spends time examining posters and engaging in articulate discussions with presenters.  Conor spends time seeking out hottest female presenters and hitting on them.  Hoffstar spends time wondering why there weren’t more posters about vegetables.  And telling Wojo to ask social psychology questions in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

Come back to the hotel, invite all of Wojo’s classmates over to the room.  Chastise the non-drinkers.  Play Kings (Jersey rules) with everyone else.  Spill pretzels.  Walk to Blush nightclub at the Wynn Casino.

Blush line is ridiculous.  We don’t give a shit about any of that, so they let us in anyhow.  Clearly, we know how to party.  Drinks are expensive – $7 beers, $17 vodka red bulls.  Chicks are ok, but kinda stuck up.  Doesn’t stop 520 from getting all the women in the room ridiculously wet.  And hooking up with them under the stars on the outdoor patio.