Hoffstar does the West Coast (featuring: Wojo and Conman)

Wednesday, 1/27:

9:47 PM. Conman picks Hoffstar up at LAX.  They put on the Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song, roll down the windows, and annoy the shit out of everyone still waiting to get picked up.

10:34 PM.  Hit the bars in Conman’s neighborhood, Hermosa Beach, get like 20 phone numbers and half a bj.

Thursday, 1/28:

11:51 AM.  C and H frolic on the beach with no shirts on.  H almost nails a seagull with a frisbee and C remembers that one time he hit a goose, back when 520 was still getting to know him and his crazy antics.

1:26 PM.  Leave Hermosa Beach for Las Vegas.  Hit the combination PH/TB on the way.  Record hilarious video of Hoffstar poking his head out of the sunroof like a prairie dog and eating a burrito while dancing to the song.  (YouTube, ETA 2 weeks.)

3:38 PM.  Hoffstar gets a boner.  We must have passed a Chuck E. Cheese.

5:20 PM. HIGH FIVE!

What Happens in Vegas (mostly), Stays in Vegas…

Warning:  The following entry may not be suitable for anything but creating children.

A transcription of our weekend in Vegas.

Night One:  Arrive at Circus Circus, family casino.  Conman and Hoffstar immediately have massive raging erections.  Conman from posters of hot Las Vegas strippers.  Hoffstar from children.  And Clowns.

Get decked to the max, with some sweet ass suits and ties, and go over to SPSP 2010 Social Psychology poster session #1 (It was a conference for people with really good vision).  Can’t get in without conference badges.  Except we’re baller, so we do anyway (through the side door, those convention halls have notoriously shitty security).  Wojo spends time examining posters and engaging in articulate discussions with presenters.  Conor spends time seeking out hottest female presenters and hitting on them.  Hoffstar spends time wondering why there weren’t more posters about vegetables.  And telling Wojo to ask social psychology questions in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

Come back to the hotel, invite all of Wojo’s classmates over to the room.  Chastise the non-drinkers.  Play Kings (Jersey rules) with everyone else.  Spill pretzels.  Walk to Blush nightclub at the Wynn Casino.

Blush line is ridiculous.  We don’t give a shit about any of that, so they let us in anyhow.  Clearly, we know how to party.  Drinks are expensive – $7 beers, $17 vodka red bulls.  Chicks are ok, but kinda stuck up.  Doesn’t stop 520 from getting all the women in the room ridiculously wet.  And hooking up with them under the stars on the outdoor patio.

Free Post

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, “Freedom isn’t Free.”  Which, naturally, got me thinking about free stuff.  In honor of “freedom,” I decided to make a list of stuff that IS free.  I’m not sure it’s all going to fit on a bumper sticker, unless someone’s got an extra 18-wheeler laying around (for free?)

Stuff that is free:
Wireless Internet
Library Books
Self-prostate exams
My stereo (thank you Al Roker)
Webinars
Condoms
Venereal Diseases (particularly if you skipped the last item on the list)
30-day software demos
A false sense of security
Blogs
Full-body cavity searches
The road signs in our old apartment
Your first dose of heroin
Veggie Drop
My roommate’s food stamps
Children
Public humiliation
T-Shirts

And now for some stuff that ISN’T free:

Lunch
Hookers
Special Sauce
Diamonds
Aaaaaaand FREEDOM.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Hoff, dude, not all of that stuff is FREE!  I spent THREE hours watching Saved by the Bell reruns on TV Land last night for MY false sense of security!” Well my friend, did you actually PAY anything for those three hours? I mean BESIDES the cable bill?  (Cable = not free since those bastards over at Cablevision saw that episode of Seinfeld back in 1991).  No.  You didn’t.  So shut up.

For those of you who have accidentally stumbled upon this site:  I’m truly sorry.  You have been warned.  A quick explanation here for those still reading:  520 Nation is the re-creation of an older, far more offensive and childish blog originated by yours truly, along with a few roommates back in 2004.  Eleven free e-props to anyone who can FIND that old blog (it’s still out there) and post the URL to it on Wojo’s facebook wall.  He’s rather worried that some of his current colleagues might find out about his past transgressions. (public humiliation = free!).  Oh, also, e-props = free, and 11 is Wojo’s favorite number!  I’m droppin’ hints left and right here!  Anyhow, the true identity of the 520 Nation contributors will remain hidden to the outside world, and we shall be known henceforth only as, “Hoff/The Hoffstar, B$/The Crooner/The Nagger, Wojo/The Governator and Conman/The Wife Beater.”  I’ll be posting a photo of the four of us, however, so that all the ladies out there can admire our masculine physiques.

Hoffstar out!