Can you please repeat the question?

In the spirit of Conman’s recent post, I have gone a few BEERS deep and would now like to talk about a few things that are on my drunk mind.

First, a business idea:  Canned water.  It will be like bottled water, but even stupider.  Because the WATER is in a CAN.  Because whoever first thought to sell bottled water to morons for literally INFINITY times more than the actual cost of the FREE SHIT THAT FALLS FROM THE SKY is so rich that he might take a reduced salary just to play basketball with Dwyane Wade.

It’s an $8BILLION industry. We could even call it RAIN, because, why not sell even FREER shit to even DUMBER people, so we can make even MORE money?

It’s a fool-proof business plan… and, it’s a fool-based business plan.  That is, the PLAN is based on an unlimited number of FOOLS… with money.  And I’m not even talking about the investors!

But still, we’ll need to be lucky, because even the most well-thought-out economic scams can fail.  RIGHT SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM?  So to get that extra edge, I googled “I’m feeling lucky” and then clicked “I’m feeling lucky”.  It was so meta that GOOGLE actually REACHED OUT from my computer screen and clicked ME.

This was all just proof that the Internet wasn’t designed by a woman, because it doesn’t mind being USED without asking you to tell it “what you’re feeling right now”.

If google were a woman, the #1 search result button would be “I’m GETTING lucky”.  Am I right fellas???  I’ll click THAT button!  Hey-O!!!!!!!!

The worst part would be the timer: “1,080,000 results in .24 seconds”.  Fuck you google!  If you want a longer “search” then why don’t you just Ask Jeeves, slut!

Ask.com isn’t the best search engine, but I still Ask Jeeves questions all the time.  For example, the other day I asked “Where’s Waldo?” and Jeeves returned 0 results.  That fucker really IS hard to find!

But it made me think: maybe I’m asking all the wrong questions, in search engines, and in life.  Instead of “Where’s Waldo” maybe I should be asking “WHO is Waldo?”  And, “Why is this homeless hitch-hiker leading innocent and naive little children all around the world to strange cities until they are ‘lost’ in the crowds?”

Or, “How can I do that?”

Maybe we’re also asking the wrong questions about our OTHER great American heroes.  Consider Helen Keller.  Sure, you could ask “How did a blind deaf-mute accomplish so much in her life?” or “Where did she gather the courage to endure so much after being given so little?” or “What would it be like to know someone who is so inspirational?”  But did you know that late in her life before she died, in addition to all of her other hardships, Helen Keller also suffered from a stroke?  So maybe the real question we should be asking is:

How the FUCK would you know???

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Quotes of the weekend

My wife just had a baby, so I’ve been fucking this fleshlight thing lately – Joe Rogan

Watching my wife give birth looked like cutting a hole in a squirrel and tearing it open – Joe Rogan

9 am in Vegas and we’re still out, dragging ourselves through breakfast, and some asshole says, hey, lets go to the Rhino. And I’m like shit, that’s my voice – Joe Rogan

Guys have been trying to fuck you your whole life. If you didn’t have a vagina you’d starve to death – Joe Rogan, to hot chick in front row who interrupted

You know how you see someone you’ve met before and can’t remember their name? That’s happening right now. – Conman, to girl at bar

Mention my name, you’ll get a good seat – Wojo, to girl on her way to the bathroom

This is the gayest deck of cards ever. Except for that time we played with penis cards. – Conman, while playing war with “Disney Villain” cards.

Are you a Scorpio? You know what they say about Scorpios… – Wojo, to every girl he meets

You know Hanes underwear? They modeled that after him. Almost every guy in here is wearing underwear modeled after this guy’s ass – Wojo, helping to convince a drunk girl that Conman is indeed an ass model

I’m a penis model – Wojo, taking it too far.

Irvine, a place for fucking excitement and shit – Joey Diaz (Joe Rogan’s opener)

things i learnt this weekend at uconn

don’t be sexist.  it makes broads with inferior brains not want to get beers for you, and stuff.

a hotel bathtub fits approximately 20 gallons of ice water and 150 cans of icehouse.  if you want, you can squeeze in a bottle or two of captain morgans.

aforementioned bathtub is not an ideal place to sit if you don’t want to do the “scared turtle.”

if you tell a girl the “2 inches from the floor” joke, she might say “prove it.”

the proof is in the pudding

uppercase letters are overrated, but that’s just the dark nature of capitalism

a “bazooka” is when you number 2 and number 3 at the same time.  like, uh oh, i just bazooka’d.  i learnt that from a good friend.

a “time bomb” is when you go 3, 2, 1.  i learnt that at foxwoods casino, at 7 am.

number 3 is puke.

if a person says, “go look in the sink,” don’t.

the mashapequot tribe needed my $97 donation as reparations for destroying their culture.

it’s not what you put in, it’s what you leave out.  like craps tables, and uteruses.

uteri?

The Awkward Game

Awkward lines are something of a 520 specialty. In that spirit, Wojo and I invented a new game when we were out last weekend. We both gave each other awkward things to say when approaching a group of girls, then dared each other to do them. If one person does their line, the other person has to do theirs too. It went really well!

Hoffstar does the West Coast (featuring: Wojo and Conman)

Wednesday, 1/27:

9:47 PM. Conman picks Hoffstar up at LAX.  They put on the Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell song, roll down the windows, and annoy the shit out of everyone still waiting to get picked up.

10:34 PM.  Hit the bars in Conman’s neighborhood, Hermosa Beach, get like 20 phone numbers and half a bj.

Thursday, 1/28:

11:51 AM.  C and H frolic on the beach with no shirts on.  H almost nails a seagull with a frisbee and C remembers that one time he hit a goose, back when 520 was still getting to know him and his crazy antics.

1:26 PM.  Leave Hermosa Beach for Las Vegas.  Hit the combination PH/TB on the way.  Record hilarious video of Hoffstar poking his head out of the sunroof like a prairie dog and eating a burrito while dancing to the song.  (YouTube, ETA 2 weeks.)

3:38 PM.  Hoffstar gets a boner.  We must have passed a Chuck E. Cheese.

5:20 PM. HIGH FIVE!

What Happens in Vegas (mostly), Stays in Vegas…

Warning:  The following entry may not be suitable for anything but creating children.

A transcription of our weekend in Vegas.

Night One:  Arrive at Circus Circus, family casino.  Conman and Hoffstar immediately have massive raging erections.  Conman from posters of hot Las Vegas strippers.  Hoffstar from children.  And Clowns.

Get decked to the max, with some sweet ass suits and ties, and go over to SPSP 2010 Social Psychology poster session #1 (It was a conference for people with really good vision).  Can’t get in without conference badges.  Except we’re baller, so we do anyway (through the side door, those convention halls have notoriously shitty security).  Wojo spends time examining posters and engaging in articulate discussions with presenters.  Conor spends time seeking out hottest female presenters and hitting on them.  Hoffstar spends time wondering why there weren’t more posters about vegetables.  And telling Wojo to ask social psychology questions in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

Come back to the hotel, invite all of Wojo’s classmates over to the room.  Chastise the non-drinkers.  Play Kings (Jersey rules) with everyone else.  Spill pretzels.  Walk to Blush nightclub at the Wynn Casino.

Blush line is ridiculous.  We don’t give a shit about any of that, so they let us in anyhow.  Clearly, we know how to party.  Drinks are expensive – $7 beers, $17 vodka red bulls.  Chicks are ok, but kinda stuck up.  Doesn’t stop 520 from getting all the women in the room ridiculously wet.  And hooking up with them under the stars on the outdoor patio.