Masturbation without representation

I went to Red Bull Flug Tag this past weekend.  Apparently “Flug Tag” is German for “Falling-straight-down Day”.

It was more like Batman than Superman.

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In other news, I live near a ballet studio with a large glass facade.  The other day when I was casually walking past it three times, I saw a hilarious dog sitting on the sidewalk.  He was facing the beautiful ballerinas in the windows.

And licking his balls.

After I got done laughing, I thought about this bullshit double standard.  I realized that, as a white middle-class American man in the prime of my life, I am promised a degree of freedom unparalleled in all of human history.  And yet, it is not Man, but Beast, who has the ultimate freedom on a public sidewalk.  Because despite the exact same electrical circuitry in both our brains and our genitals–the same mentality, the same intentions, and the same impulses–only the Beast could truly exercise that freedom.

So riddle me this, Batman: Why does “society” allow the dog to lick his balls in public, but not the freest man in history?

I want it all.  I want freedom.  I want life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Don’t you understand, America?

I WANT TO LICK THAT DOG’S BALLS.