Valentine’s Day

For V-Day, there was a big party on campus.  They had games.  One was the dating game.  Like the TV show.  You remember it.  One girl asks three guys to answer a series of questions, and whoever impresses her the most wins a date with her.

Tonight, I was a contestant.  Contestant #3.  Below are my actual answers to real questions.  In front of a live, not to mention quite large, audience.

Jump to Question #1:

Girl: I’m sure you would do a lot of things to impress me, but what is the one thing you would NOT do for me?
Contestant #1: I would not teach you to play the flute.
Contestant #2: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I would do anything for you.
Host: And contestant #3, what’s the one thing you wouldn’t do for Lauren’s love?
Me: Anal.

(Audience is shocked and appalled, and slowly builds up to an awkward applause)

Jump to Question #2:

Girl: I love eating delicious meals and nothing turns me on like a guy who can make his way through the kitchen.  What meal would you make specially for me if we were dating?
Contestant #1: I would make you lasagna.
Contestant #2: I would make you anything you wanted.
Me: I don’t really cook at all, so, whatever you decide to cook for me will be just fine.

The crowd is a mix of laughter (men) and disapproving boos (women).

Jump to Question #3:

Girl:  Contestant #3, if you were a fruit or vegetable, what kind would you be?
Note: The first thing that comes to mind, is to say I am a foot-long zuchini or cucumber, maybe  that I am not a fruit but there is a large banana in my pants.  For some reason, I take another route.
Me: If I was a vegetable, I would be baby carrots.
Silence.
Host: Do you want to tell us why you chose the baby carrot?
Me: Well, why don’t you buy me another drink and then I’ll show you?

The crowd laughs and cheers.

Question #4:

Girl: What is the one attribute about your own mother that you really appreciate and look for in a woman?
Contestant #1:  I’d have to say that she’s caring and a good listener.
Contestant #2: That she is a very loving person.
Host: Contestant #3, what is the one thing about your mother that you look for in a potential mate?
Me: I’d have to say: her body.

The crowd roars.

In the end, the host asked the audience to pick a favorite, and by that point, it was practically unanimous.  They ate it all up.  I turned them.  The girl ended up choosing guy #2, but as the host said, that was probably better news for me since I made so many fans in the audience.   It was one of my proudest funniest moments.

And to think, it all started with one word: “Anal.”